Do You Got Game? A Weekend Warrior Quiz

By: Sean | October 19th, 2008

Sorry for the delay in posting last week. I spent an inordinate amount of my free time trying to perfect the appearance of “Virtual Sean” on my Xbox 360 FIFA09 soccer video game. After five days, he kind of looks like my little brother…only bald.

How dedicated are you to your recreational team? Do you got game? Anybody can wear a Real Madrid jersey, but it takes a special kind of player to proudly sport their “FC Alcohol-Kicks United” shirt off the pitch. Take this simple Weekend Warrior quiz and find out!

1. What priority do recreational soccer team matches take in your life?
A. I’m not even sure when we play half the time. (0 pts.)
B. I’ll make it so long as I don’t have a previous family or work commitment. (1 pt.)
C. I have skipped work meetings and missed family functions to play. (2 pts.)
D. I do not have a life outside of soccer. Soccer = Life. (3 pts.)

2. How promptly do you pay your share of the team fee each season?
A. This isn’t free? (0 pts.)
B. I get my money in before the end of the season. (1 pt.)
C. I pay promptly at the first match. (2 pts.)
D. I am paid up through the Fall 2024 season. (3 pts.)

3. How do you keep fit in the off-season?
A. A high carb diet of beer and watching “Dream Team”. (0 pts.)
B. I try to make a pick-up game on the weekends. (1 pt.)
C. I play indoor soccer, futsal, and jog/cycle several times a week. (2 pts.)
D. I sleep in a hyperbaric chamber and take performance enhancing substances. (3 pts.)

4. How committed are you to your recreational team?
A. I’ll stay with the team until the manager makes me play defense. (0 pts.)
B. I’ve been with the team for a few years and want to stay. (1 pt.)
C. I’ll play with the team until I can’t play anymore. (2 pts.)
D. In the heat of passion with my spouse/partner/date/prostitute, I’ve been known to scream out
my team’s name. (3 pts.)

5. Which of the following best describes your pre-match activities?
A. I show up two minutes before kick-off so I can skip putting up the nets. (0 pts.)
B. I get there fifteen minutes early and pass around a little. (1 pt.)
C. I arrive at least 30 minutes early to help with field set-up, proper stretches, and a brisk
cardiovascular warm-up. (2 pts.)
D. I sacrifice a goat and bathe in it’s blood while performing arcane black magic rituals to ensure
victory. (3 pts.)

6. During a match, the opposing team makes a reckless challenge on your striker. What do you do?
A. I pout if I don’t get to take the free kick. (0 pts.)
B. I get up in the other team’s face. (1 pt.)
C. Double studs up retaliation tackle the next chance I get. (2 pts.)
D. Remember Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs? “It puts the lotion on or
it gets the hose again!”

7. Your team loses to a local rival. Response?
A. I secretly meet with the other manager and see if they are looking for new players. (0 pts.)
B. “We’ll get them next time.” (1 pt.)
C. I try to figure out where we came up short and send constructive emails to the team to help
improve our play. (2 pts.)
D. Rioting. (3 pts.)

8. A poor pass goes long and a defender is charging. What do you do?
A. I stop and pout because I want service to my feet! My feet! (0 pts.)
B. I chase after the ball but pull out of the challenge if it looks physical. (1 pt.)
C. I go to ground for every 50-50 ball. (2 pts.)
D. I do an Eric Cantona-esque karate kick on the opposing player, then the referee if he blows
the whistle, then my teammate for the s**t pass in the first place. (3 pts.)

9. Your teammate just scored. How do you respond?
A. I was open! Didn’t you see me!? (0 pts.)
B. I cheer and go back to my position for the kick-off. (1 pt.)
C. I enthusiastically rip off my shirt, wave it around triumphantly, and dance in front of my
bench. (2 pts.)
D. I enthusiastically rip off the opposing keeper’s shirt, wave it around triumphantly, and dance
in front of their bench…before setting it on fire. (3 pts.)

10. How far would you go for your recreational team?
A. How many times have I said I want service to my feet! (0 pts.)
B. It’s just a game. (1 pt.)
C. I play hard and give the referee a bad time if he blows a call but I won’t cheat. (2 pts.)
D. I have committed unspeakable acts of perversion with a referee just to ensure a tie. (3 pts.)

Scoring
0 points You know you are going to get cut, right?
1-12 pts. You are a typical recreational player who enjoys the game but maintains balance in your
life.
13-25 pts. You are a reliable recreational team player and respected for your dedication.
26-29 pts. Your level of commitment is awesome and inspiring. Your manager secretly worries
that one day you will try and take over the team.
30 pts. This level of devotion to your squad is frankly disturbing. You are undoubtedly a psycho-
path. You are the guy on the team everybody jokes about, but never to your face
because they fear for their family’s safety. Despite all of that, if you are over 30 and
looking for a team in the greater Portland, Oregon area, let me know.