Heaven or Las Vegas: Another CYOE Post

By: Sean | August 29th, 2009

It has been a while since we last had a Weekend Warrior “Choose Your Own Ending” Post, Seanny’s very own rip-off of one his favorite adolescent book series. The inaugural effort, February 2nd’s “The Wall”, challenged readers to decide whether or not they would stand in a defensive wall while an angry, aggrieved shooter (also known as Princess) launched a vengeful free kick. Did you form up or did you flinch? Our sophomore installment picks up the action about a year later. Fair readers, please enjoy the Weekend Warrior CYOE: “Heaven or Las Vegas”…

You’ve been counting down the days since your last encounter with the Princess. It was only a year ago that your perfectly good season got derailed with a challenge on their wiry, prissy midfielder. The resulting free kick he took resulted in the only blemish on an otherwise perfect season and left you shamed and/or medically incapacitated. You’ve been practicing hard with the squad for the last eleven months. They’ve forgiven you for abandoning them/flinching/getting ejected/stopping the match to call for an ambulance [Editor's note: Hey, it's hard writing for four different plot threads!] and you have vowed to not disappoint them when the rematch finally arrived. Ripping off the most recent day from your “365 Days of Soccer Quotes” desk calendar, you nod approvingly at your scribbled red letters on tomorrow’s page: SATURDAY = 2:00 VS. KICKERS FC & PRINCESS!!!

Your cell rings. You are still thinking about how awesome it will be to go studs up into your nemesis–making sure you make contact with the ball first, of course–and don’t pay attention to the number on the display before flipping it open. Big mistake. It’s your boss, Mr. Jones. “Just confirming that you are still going to help the office with the volunteer service project at the Daisy Hill Homeless Puppy Shelter tomorrow afternoon,” he says. What?! That was supposed to be next Saturday! You frantically search through the calendar and see it clearly written in for the following weekend. You tell your boss this and he laughs. “That’s a good one! I specifically mentioned it in the staff meeting yesterday. Ha!” You smack your head into the wall in frustration. D’oh! Why do I always fall asleep in the morning meeting?!

Call waiting beeps. You look at the number. It is your favorite niece, Kasey, a promising eight year old soccer prodigy. She loves to call and talk about the Beautiful Game with her uncle. Saved from answering Mr. Jones! You tell your boss you have to take this call and mercifully, thankfully, answer Kasey’s line. Her voice is all sunshine and sweetness. “Hi, Uncle! I want to make sure you are going to be at my soccer jamboree tomorrow afternoon at 2:00 to help coach.” What?! That was supposed to be on Sunday! You tell your favorite niece and you can almost hear the joy drain away from her voice. “No, it is Saturday, not Sunday. Does that mean you won’t be able to coach us?” You think you hear a sniffle. “I reminded you last weekend when we were playing video games,” she whines. You smack your head into the wall in frustration again. D’oh! Why do I always tune people out when I play Super Mario Kart?!

The phone beeps again. This time it’s a text from Eve, your girlfriend. What now? You look at the display: “Happy bday stud! Im tking u 2 Vegas on Sat. no need 2 pack u wont need clothes just stamina ;o) ” OK, in all fairness, you had no idea about that one. You smack your head against the wall a third time in frustration. D’oh!

So. What is it going to be?

If you decide that nothing is more important than a rematch with the Princess, scroll down to Ending “A”.
If you decide that you can’t let the kids down and coach at the soccer jamboree, scroll down to Ending “B”.
If you decide to honor your volunteer commitment at the homeless puppy shelter, scroll down to Ending “C”.
A birthday weekend in Vegas with my open-minded/former gymnast girlfriend? Duh. Scroll down to Ending “D”.

Ending “A”: You’ve waited too long to miss another chance to avenge last year. Soccer > Life. You explain to little Kasey that you’re going to be a little late but that you’ll be there by her second match. She is a little disappointed, but soon forgets about it when you promise to buy her some Hannah Montana lip gloss. Your boss ends up being surprisingly cool with it, too, as he once was a college goalkeeper. “Plus,” he adds, “Don’t tell anybody, but I hate puppies.” You play brilliantly against the Princess, who subs out after twenty minutes with a calf pull. Eve is pissed you stood her up and goes to Vegas by herself where she hooks up with an Elvis impersonator named Julio. The End.

Ending “B”: Begrudgingly, you show up at the jamboree. While your heart is elsewhere, Kasey’s team wins first place and you retain Most Favorite Uncle status. Your boss is less enthusiastic and asks you to come in the following three weekends to work some “last minute” overtime. Your club only fields ten players and loses 0-3. Eve is pissed you stood her up and goes to Vegas by herself where she hooks up with a showgirl named Julia. The End.

Ending “C”: In these tough economic times, you have to keep face in front of the boss. You go to the Daisy Hill Homeless Puppy Shelter and put in a eight hour shift. You get pooped on twice, bitten once, and fleas. But you do keep your job. Your niece loves puppies and stops by after her team loses all of their matches, eventually adopting a mouth-breathing pug named “Joey Barton”. Your team plays to a goalless draw but Princess never showed up, so whatever. Eve is pissed you stood her up and goes to Vegas by herself where she hooks up with a showgirl named Julia and an Elvis impersonator named Julio. The End.

Ending “D”: Your team, your boss, and your niece are all pissed you stood them up. Your squad loses 0-1 with Princess scoring the winner in extra time. Kasey is so distraught you “thought she was bad at soccer” that she quits the sport and becomes a cheerleader. Your boss says nothing but for some reason you get transfered to your company’s branch office in [insert the name of some place you really hate where they don't play footy]. However, you do stay the night at the Bellagio with Eve and a showgirl named Julia. Everything is unspeakably awesome until you forget your safe word and the EMTs are called, but as you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas… The End.