Laws & Order

By: Sean | January 27th, 2009

One of the very basic things that I have always loved about the Beautiful Game–well, besides everything–is the fact that our sport is not governed by rules. It is governed by laws. For me, that subtle change in nomenclature somehow raises the importance and grandeur of our game beyond that of other sports. Rules are for quaint pastimes like miniature golf, wall ball or four-square. The world’s game requires laws to ensure proper order. Laws and order. Law & Order. Great, now I’ll have that famous “doink-DOINK!” sound effect from the long-running Dick Wolf television series running through my head every time I transition to a new paragraph. Doink-DOINK!

Granted, our laws are not perfect. In particular, I know that Law 11 regarding offsides causes more than a little consternation and anguish no matter how many times it is reviewed, redefined, or studied. I’m sure most of us have given our officials a fair amount of stick about this particular law, but you have to feel a little for a linesmen who is physically required to be looking at two different places on the pitch (the foot of the passer to determine when the ball is played and also at the potential receiver of the pass) at the exact same instant. I will be guilty of forgetting this sympathy the next time I am erroneously adjudged to be in the offside position on my delayed left side run, don’t get me wrong, but I hope to conduct myself appropriately. Doink-DOINK!

If I could change any of the laws of the game, however, I think I would leave Law 11 alone…mostly because I don’t have a better interpretation to offer. My single law change would be this: Any time a penalty kick is awarded in a match, the offensive player who was fouled (unless he is injured and can’t stay on the pitch) would have to take the spot shot. No designated penalty takers. I just think if you are so far forward that you are in the box, you should “finish the job”, as it were. Plus, I think it would make a match more interesting knowing that the defender who made the run and got fouled has to take the kick as opposed to the practiced striker who has made 15 of their last 16 charity shots. Penalty shots wouldn’t be quite so automatic, methinks. It just seems more democratic. Personally, if I get viciously hacked down from behind, a part of me wants to slam the ball into the net myself so I can face the guilty player and thump my chest in triumph: “How do you like me now, Bee-Yatch?!” Doink-DOINK!

How about you, Weekend Warriors? Which law would you change? Would you make the goal posts wider or would you scrap offsides altogether and make the defenders mark up on the cherry pickers? Would you decree that officials would have to look more like former Law & Order actress Angie Harmon (ADA Abbie Carmichael) instead of the late street-wise Detective Lennie Briscoe (Jerry Orbach)? I’d love to hear your suggestions to improve the Beautiful Game. Doink-DOINK!

Oh, Angie…you can red card me any day…