Pitch Imperfect

By: Sean | May 29th, 2009

You’ve probably seen this picture of a “unique” soccer pitch before:

I see it pop up in an email once every year or two. It has likely been featured here on the Offside at some point. One blog I found it posted on had it noted as a “Ukrainian Soccer Field”. I haven’t done any research to determine if it is actually in the Ukraine, but it did get me thinking about all of the different soccer fields I’ve kicked around on here in Oregon and you know what? I haven’t played on anything even coming close to the unique field conditions exhibited here in the “Ukrainian Soccer Field.” Every nice, suburban stretch of pitch I have ever known has been flat and notably devoid of trees. Sure, a few of the fields may have had their corners clipped by a softball diamond base line, but that is just not the same as a small copse of trees inside the near touch line.

Somewhat disappointed by this realization, I started thinking about the worst field conditions I have ever played on. A 107 degree day on artificial turf–making the temperature on the pitch somewhere around 115–is debilitating (for Oregonians), but barring heat exhaustion, it doesn’t lend itself to a sexy anecdote. We came, we saw, we cramped. Eh. Playing during a freak summer storm with lightning crackling all around you has the potential to be interesting, but when nobody gets hit with a bolt and the highlight is the referee telling the captains that “we’ll keep playing until the lightning gets within three miles, then I’m calling it”, well, that isn’t really…shocking. (Sorry. My bad.)

I have to really strain my cerebellum to recall the match in the eighth grade when my middle school team played over at Sprague after a truly staggering run of wet, stormy weather. The field was a swamp. Literally, half of it was under water. The water was so deep it stopped the forward momentum of all but the hardest kicks as the ball splashed to a standstill. The other half looked like it was ready for an epic mud wrestling tournament. In the ultimate twist of irony, our team was playing the only all-girls eighth grade team that day and the highlight seemed to be when one of our strikers crashed into their keeper and later told us that he had “touched her booby”. (Eighth grade boys can be so dumb.)

Snow, hail, gully washer downpours…all kind of notable, definitely kind of cool, but not legendary. For us soccer players, it is just part of the game. Unlike other sports, where the game is canceled if there is a cloud somewhere within twenty-five miles of the field. Yeah, I’m callin’ you out, softball!

Certainly, Weekend Warriors, you can do better than this. Somewhere in your collective histories, you must have a match that involved some truly bizarre field condition, be it raging storms of biblical proportions, lightning, killer bees, or shape-shifting androids from the future. I’d love to hear your stories and personal anecdotes.