Recipe for a Team Disaster

By: Sean | January 24th, 2009

In the previous post, The Necessary Ingredients for a Great Team, I tried to point out a few of the vital character types a successful recreational football team should have. The flip side to that, it was noted in the “Comments” section, would be to describe the players to avoid lest your team has an epic meltdown and goes up in flames. Absolutely brilliant! As soon as I read that suggestion, my head nearly exploded at the recollection of every ball hog, know-it-all, no talent turf monkey with whom I’ve ever had the misfortune of sharing a pitch. Sadly, I struggled to whittle it down to a manageable inventory. I’m not saying that the presence of one or even a few of these footballers is dooming your club to relegation or a Thunderdome-like brawl, but proceed with caution and make sure they pay their team fee early. You might be cutting them midway through the season. So with full credit to regular reader MoMONEY for the post suggestion (I give props when props are due), here are a few players you might want to be on the lookout for…

Prima Donna. Generally, a teammate who can rainbow defenders, take bicycle shot kicks, and step over fullbacks should be a good thing, right? There is a fine line between being an asset and being an ASS-ette. Like when the rainbow move only works every fourth attempt and your side loses the ball deep in your own territory. Or when the bicycle kick is a total whiff in front of an empty goal. Or the fullbacks get tired of the step over and over and over and over and just knock him down and run off with the ball. Sure, Mr. Donna will plead with the referee and complain to no avail that he was fouled, but it gets worse. Every pass needs to be to him. Preferably to his feet, or he’ll let you know that your service was poor. Every throw in needs to be him, again preferably to his feet, or he’ll let you know your service was poor. He’ll rush in to take the spot shot even if he wasn’t the one being fouled and every time your shot is wide or deflected, guess what? He was open.

Mr. No Pass/The Over-Dribbler. This a sub-species of the Prima Donna that lacks the requisite flash and drama queen theatrics but still handicaps your squad. From the Latin Vir Quisnam Mos Non Obduco Ball, or Man Who Will Not Pass the Ball, they are possessed of a singular mindset to go through all eleven players on their own. That’s pretty much it. When it works, it looks great, but it feeds the notion that they can do it again…and so they try. Again. And again. When the defense figures out they can shut him down by posting two on him or just bodying up, it leaves all of his other teammates screaming, “Pass the damn ball!” At least a true Prima Donna will do a give-and-go if he thinks he’ll get the pass back.

Chronic Slide Tackle Guy. A well executed slide tackle is a thing of beauty that can bring an attack to a screeching halt. A poorly executed slide tackle can leave your team vulnerable and exposed, merit a card, severely injure somebody, or be the trigger for a riot. CST Guy likes those odds and resorts to going to ground every chance the ball and an attacker come within fifteen feet. In rec soccer, this usually ticks off the other team after the third slide and invites retaliatory charges. The situation degenerates from there. Most CSTGs think they are great Enforcers and usually play sweeper or stopper, but all this does is create a big hole in the middle of your defense. Fortunately, their shelf life is short and a bum knee or ankle eventually limits their playing time.

The Super No-Sub. Sure, I’ve been playing for the full ninety minutes, there are seven guys on the bench wanting to get in, I’m too gassed to run, and I pretended not to hear my name the last four times the ball went out of touch…but I really think I’m gonna score pretty soon.

The Un-Defender. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging your weaknesses as a defender and suggesting your skills would better serve the team by having you up front. But in any group of sixteen players, I’m going to estimate that thirteen of them want to be a striker. Anyone who flat out refuses to do their shift on the back line better rack up a hat trick every Saturday, because your teammates are taking notice. There is also the matter of the Cherry Picker. Nothing wrong with playing a high striker, waiting for a Route One pass over the middle to beat your marker, but when you lose the ball, TRY TO GET IT BACK! Do not get caught offsides, either, because it really torques your backs to have their hard-won possession lost because you couldn’t jog back to midfield. Last piece of advice: Never shout directions to your defense if you are not actively participating in the defense. “You guys need to pick up the diagonal runs!” when shouted from fifty yards away just opens up a can of “Shut the f**k up!”

(The Guy Who Drinks All of the) Beer Guy. Why? Because he drinks all of the beer! Duh! Beer make team happy!

There are miscellaneous other player types that can frustrate a football club, too, like Guy Who Never Learned How to Do a Throw In, Only Right-Footed Shooter, and Corner Kick Post Defender who still manages to let the ball squeeze in between his body and the frame, but I’m more curious to hear about your own recipe for a team disaster. Cheers!